Dating

There’s something you should know about me…

Can I just express that dating sucks? IT FUCKING SUCKS!

Well, now that that’s out of the way, let me explain to you my dilemma.

I find myself thinking a lot about dating and relationships. Ever since I started transitioning, I knew dating would have its obstacles but I didn’t expect it to suck so damn much.

There are times that I meet men randomly while I’m out and about in NYC. These men do not know about my past and treat me like the woman I’ve always known myself to be. They treat me like a human being and I LOVE that. Seriously. It makes me feel so validated as a human being that is capable of being loved. But alas, this euphoria is temporary and I never end up disclosing that I’m trans to these potential suitors out of fear. I usually cut these guys off after our first date.

Other times, I’ll do online dating and disclose me being trans right away. This usually ends up going one of three ways: 1) Sexual objectification, 2) Wanting to date in private, or on the “DL”, 3) Or they are simply no longer interested.

The few times that men seemed genuinely intersted in dating me upon finding out that I’m trans never ended up working out for various reasons. For instance, there was this one guy that I really liked and I thought the feeling was mutual, but he ended up being married and I didn’t know. He strung me along and made me believe he was genuinely interested in a relationship, but that was all a part of his manipulative plan to use me for his own selfish desires. He would lie straight to my face without hesitation and tell me what he thought I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted. Fucking narcissist. Anyway, another guy had kids, no job, and seemingly no desire to better his life. I deserve so much better than this.

I don’t want to settle for less, but in all honesty, I feel pretty lonely. Sure, I have friends and family that I’m close to, but this just isn’t the same as romance.

I long to be loved genuinely. I long to be wanted. I long to be courted with respect and dignity.  I long to love.

Fuck. All this bullshit that comes with being trans really does suck sometimes…

Advertisements

Motherhood

Hey my loves. I have so much on my mind as per usual but I’ve decided to focus on just one topic for today, and that’s motherhood.

As a transgender woman, motherhood seems unattainable for so many reasons, yet I’m kinda obsessed with it. Oftentimes I’ll reflect on what I’d like my future to look like and motherhood is frequently in the picture.

But, these thoughts often leave me depressed for a few reasons. As a transgender woman, I’m unable to experience pregnancy and all of the experiences that come with physically brining a life into this world. This makes me feel so inadequate to cis women. Also, in my experience, not being able to conceive tends to be a dealbreaker when it comes to dating cis men. This hurts, but hey that’s life, right? You win some, you lose some. Anyway, this usually leaves me with men that are mainly interested in only having a sexual relationship with me. More on that in another post.

To continue, adoption is certainly an option and one I’ll most likely choose when the time comes. I have so much love to give and I know I’ll make a good mother someday.

💕

Visual dreams

What do dreams mean to you? I keep having very visual dreams about my life and I’m really not sure what to think of them.

Below is an example of a dream I had recently. Would anyone be able to help me interpret this dream?

I had a very visual dream about him again.

I’m not completely sure how it all started, but I was chasing him down the streets of NYC to a restaurant that was hosting some sort of party that charged $1 admission fee to get in. I remember wanting to say that I wanted to see one of the employees but ended up paying the entrance fee anyway. Only thing was when I got in, it was as if I worked there. I was kind of lead into a dead end – either I could change and get ready for my shift, walk around where the employees and managers were waiting, or leave. That was it. No entrance to the actual restaurant from that area. Funny thing is that 3 of my roommates also worked there but were leaving. It seems as though I decided to stay.

Anyway, during the dream, I would see pictures of him via some social media platform. One was of him just sitting in a park with a baby carriage/shopping cart looking thingy with a small grey puppy in it. I remember my heart dropped when I saw it because I thought he had a baby.

There was this recurring theme of me “trying to figure him out” and also needing closure. I’m not sure how I knew this (I think either there were flashbacks of him saying this or something), but he kept saying or I was picturing him saying something about not feeling safe with his dad. I remember wanting to confront him with this newly found info and wanted him to know that I support him no matter what.

I never did make it to him in the dream, but I woke up with a strong urge to reach out to him and say something along the lines of “he doesn’t need to pretend with me”, to cut the bullshit and be honest for once. Let down your fucking wall.

And that’s that

Is there a deeper meaning to this dream that I’m missing?