There’s something you should know about me…
Can I just express that dating sucks? IT FUCKING SUCKS!
Well, now that that’s out of the way, let me explain to you my dilemma.
I find myself thinking a lot about dating and relationships. Ever since I started transitioning, I knew dating would have its obstacles but I didn’t expect it to suck so damn much.
There are times that I meet men randomly while I’m out and about in NYC. These men do not know about my past and treat me like the woman I’ve always known myself to be. They treat me like a human being and I LOVE that. Seriously. It makes me feel so validated as a human being that is capable of being loved. But alas, this euphoria is temporary and I never end up disclosing that I’m trans to these potential suitors out of fear. I usually cut these guys off after our first date.
Other times, I’ll do online dating and disclose me being trans right away. This usually ends up going one of three ways: 1) Sexual objectification, 2) Wanting to date in private, or on the “DL”, 3) Or they are simply no longer interested.
The few times that men seemed genuinely intersted in dating me upon finding out that I’m trans never ended up working out for various reasons. For instance, there was this one guy that I really liked and I thought the feeling was mutual, but he ended up being married and I didn’t know. He strung me along and made me believe he was genuinely interested in a relationship, but that was all a part of his manipulative plan to use me for his own selfish desires. He would lie straight to my face without hesitation and tell me what he thought I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted. Fucking narcissist. Anyway, another guy had kids, no job, and seemingly no desire to better his life. I deserve so much better than this.
I don’t want to settle for less, but in all honesty, I feel pretty lonely. Sure, I have friends and family that I’m close to, but this just isn’t the same as romance.
I long to be loved genuinely. I long to be wanted. I long to be courted with respect and dignity. I long to love.
Fuck. All this bullshit that comes with being trans really does suck sometimes…