Reflecting

Hello my loves,

First off, I know some people give a shit about what I write, so I’m sorry for not posting in such a long time. Life happens.

So, I caved in yesterday and let social media lead me to the man I once had very strong feelings for. He was the married man I referenced in a previous post.

Isn’t it ironic how the ones that cause the most damage seem to live the happiest of lives? Like, just looking at his social media account immediately made me feel inadequate. He was surrounded by those I assume he’s closest to, lots of social situations, lots of love, lots of grand moments. It’s like damn, how can you just go on like nothing happened? How can you live with yourself knowing all the pain you’ve caused me? How can you go on knowing what you’re doing to your wife and just seemingly not give a fuck? Even though logically I know this is just an image, captured brief moments of a much bigger picture, it doesn’t tell the whole story. Deep down I know that to be true.

Also, it seems crazy to me that I could be looking him up on social media and his wife doesn’t even know I exist. Like, that shit seems so crazy to me. Your husband is living a life you know absolutely nothing about. That shit scares me to the core.

I can’t help compare myself to her sometimes though. I compare my body to hers. I compare the fact that she is legally bound to him and gets to spend her life with him. I often wonder if she could physically please him the way I did.

But, I take solace in the fact that I’ve seen one side of him he refuses to show to society, one mask he can’t unveil. My authenticity automatically means that these masks can come down. A part of me feels sorry for him because I know his outlet for his desires have to be hidden. I can’t relate, but I can sympathize to a certain extent.

It’s also like, damn I’m lonely. These happy moments just don’t happen to me. The moments of intimacy that I experience are only for a moment. No one really wants to stick around, you know? Then I go on a downward spiral of negative thinking that reinforces bad habits that I have. And then I blame myself. What is wrong with me?

But, I also feel a strange motivation when I look at these pictures. It makes me want to be my best self, so whenever I see him, I can pretend not to know him. Treat him like the non-factor he should be. I want my presence to scare the living shit out of him, because he knows I can reveal stuff about him he doesn’t want other people knowing.

And here I am, two years later and still thinking about him. Granted, it has gotten easier with time, but still, that shit hurts. As much as I can put on a brave face and be resilient, I just wish things were different. I guess this is when I have to forgive him, because I can’t keep holding on to these negative feelings. I have to let them go.

I want to start a dialogue. All comments are of course welcome, but I am specifically interested in hearing the perspectives of cisgender heterosexual men who are attracted to transgender women, married men who are currently cheating on their wives, and anyone who feels like they can’t lead honest lives for whatever reason. Your insight is truly appreciated.

<333

-Elle

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s