Hello my loves,

First off, I know some people give a shit about what I write, so I’m sorry for not posting in such a long time. Life happens.

So, I caved in yesterday and let social media lead me to the man I once had very strong feelings for. He was the married man I referenced in a previous post.

Isn’t it ironic how the ones that cause the most damage seem to live the happiest of lives? Like, just looking at his social media account immediately made me feel inadequate. He was surrounded by those I assume he’s closest to, lots of social situations, lots of love, lots of grand moments. It’s like damn, how can you just go on like nothing happened? How can you live with yourself knowing all the pain you’ve caused me? How can you go on knowing what you’re doing to your wife and just seemingly not give a fuck? Even though logically I know this is just an image, captured brief moments of a much bigger picture, it doesn’t tell the whole story. Deep down I know that to be true.

Also, it seems crazy to me that I could be looking him up on social media and his wife doesn’t even know I exist. Like, that shit seems so crazy to me. Your husband is living a life you know absolutely nothing about. That shit scares me to the core.

I can’t help compare myself to her sometimes though. I compare my body to hers. I compare the fact that she is legally bound to him and gets to spend her life with him. I often wonder if she could physically please him the way I did.

But, I take solace in the fact that I’ve seen one side of him he refuses to show to society, one mask he can’t unveil. My authenticity automatically means that these masks can come down. A part of me feels sorry for him because I know his outlet for his desires have to be hidden. I can’t relate, but I can sympathize to a certain extent.

It’s also like, damn I’m lonely. These happy moments just don’t happen to me. The moments of intimacy that I experience are only for a moment. No one really wants to stick around, you know? Then I go on a downward spiral of negative thinking that reinforces bad habits that I have. And then I blame myself. What is wrong with me?

But, I also feel a strange motivation when I look at these pictures. It makes me want to be my best self, so whenever I see him, I can pretend not to know him. Treat him like the non-factor he should be. I want my presence to scare the living shit out of him, because he knows I can reveal stuff about him he doesn’t want other people knowing.

And here I am, two years later and still thinking about him. Granted, it has gotten easier with time, but still, that shit hurts. As much as I can put on a brave face and be resilient, I just wish things were different. I guess this is when I have to forgive him, because I can’t keep holding on to these negative feelings. I have to let them go.

I want to start a dialogue. All comments are of course welcome, but I am specifically interested in hearing the perspectives of cisgender heterosexual men who are attracted to transgender women, married men who are currently cheating on their wives, and anyone who feels like they can’t lead honest lives for whatever reason. Your insight is truly appreciated.




Looking back (and forward)

Hey y’all. I stumbled upon this very old post of mine that I’m finding very relevant at the current moment. I’m very happy not to be in this place anymore, but it’s also a humbling reminder to really reflect when feelings of depression happen to resurface. I’ll elaborate more in another post, but for now, feel free to take a look into my past. 🙂

Verbal Portrait of 9/26/2015

I hide behind a smile.

So, hi everyone.

Depression is a motherfucker, and most of the times I try to put forth my best effort to combat the feeling.

One week of happiness can be brought down in an instant. Thoughts, words, texts, emails, videos, photos, and more can trigger the depression in the blink of an eye. And in the moment, it feels like there’s no going back.

I’ve hidden behind a smile my entire life. I’m sure many of us have. But, I’ve done a great deal of work on myself to unveil the masks that have once trapped me.

My gift for authentic expression means vulnerability, which can be quite bittersweet. At this point in my life, my authenticity means not being able to see my parents anymore. It means that for the very first time in my life, I may be spending the holidays alone.

Maybe I just need some time to adjust to the new circumstances of my life. Maybe the depression will eventually subside.

I just wish things were easier, you know?

The Unexpected Sleepover

Hey everyone! So, I had a stranger spend the night recently. It was unexpected, but I actually did end up enjoying myself.

Let me just give some background info on how the night ensued. So, I was supposed to go out with my closest friend, but she ended up cancelling last minute while I was out running a quick errand with another close friend of mine. As we were on our way to run our mutual errand, a pretty cute and seemingly respectful guy ended up asking for my number (more on him in another post). This made me feel confident – I was on cloud 9 and overcome with joy. As my friend and I made our way back home, I was feeling a bit frisky and I decided to hit up this guy I met online the week before. I really just wanted to make out and feel on an erect penis (lol), but when the guy made his way to my neighborhood, the vibe felt a little different. He seemed pretty chill and goofy, and I felt somewhat comfortable around him.

Anyway, time flew and before we knew it, it was 6am.  The dude asked if he could sleep over because he was tired, but I was super hesitant – my room was in the middle of being cleaned so there was shit all over the place, I hadn’t shaved my legs, and I just generally wasn’t as “on point” as I normally would’ve been had I had time to prepare. I guess I just didn’t feel prepared to have a guest over. Whatever. But I ended up agreeing to it anyway, no matter how vulnerable I felt.

I quickly cleaned my room and made space for him on my bed. He layed down on my bed and I made my way next to him. He then wrapped his arm around me and he ended up falling asleep pretty quickly. It was all just so cute. I, however, couldn’t get over the fact of what I’d just done – like, Elle, what the fuck are you doing? There’s a fucking stranger in your bed! I even hid my purse and some other valuables just in case this dude ended up being a fucking klepto. I was paranoid as fuck.

Anyway, he ended up leaving later om that afternoon. I walked him to the elevator of my building and we made out until it arrived. He kissed me goodbye and said he would text me when he got home. And I went back to my apartment to lay down on my bed and reflect  on what just happened lol.

Maybe I’ll see him again soon? 😉





There’s something you should know about me…

Can I just express that dating sucks? IT FUCKING SUCKS!

Well, now that that’s out of the way, let me explain to you my dilemma.

I find myself thinking a lot about dating and relationships. Ever since I started transitioning, I knew dating would have its obstacles but I didn’t expect it to suck so damn much.

There are times that I meet men randomly while I’m out and about in NYC. These men do not know about my past and treat me like the woman I’ve always known myself to be. They treat me like a human being and I LOVE that. Seriously. It makes me feel so validated as a human being that is capable of being loved. But alas, this euphoria is temporary and I never end up disclosing that I’m trans to these potential suitors out of fear. I usually cut these guys off after our first date.

Other times, I’ll do online dating and disclose me being trans right away. This usually ends up going one of three ways: 1) Sexual objectification, 2) Wanting to date in private, or on the “DL”, 3) Or they are simply no longer interested.

The few times that men seemed genuinely intersted in dating me upon finding out that I’m trans never ended up working out for various reasons. For instance, there was this one guy that I really liked and I thought the feeling was mutual, but he ended up being married and I didn’t know. He strung me along and made me believe he was genuinely interested in a relationship, but that was all a part of his manipulative plan to use me for his own selfish desires. He would lie straight to my face without hesitation and tell me what he thought I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted. Fucking narcissist. Anyway, another guy had kids, no job, and seemingly no desire to better his life. I deserve so much better than this.

I don’t want to settle for less, but in all honesty, I feel pretty lonely. Sure, I have friends and family that I’m close to, but this just isn’t the same as romance.

I long to be loved genuinely. I long to be wanted. I long to be courted with respect and dignity.  I long to love.

Fuck. All this bullshit that comes with being trans really does suck sometimes…


To you,

I’m going to actively pursue forgetting  you! That’s right, you, the dude that actively pursued me. We were flirting with temptation, and now I’ve ended up in a world of hurt.

And it’s all because of you.
But, I must take responsibility for my actions too, for I chose to be vulnerable with you
Sometimes, an apology is all I desire. Other times, it’s your physical touch. In another world, this could have been true. 

I’m trying to be all profound and shit, but what I want you to know is that I really did like you.
I don’t like you as a person now, and I’m usually not one to give a fuck about respectability politics, but I really hope the truth sets you free. 
I keep going back and forth with you, but I’m done this time. No more talking about you, no more thinking about you, no more you in my life. 
Done with you