Looking back (and forward)

Hey y’all. I stumbled upon this very old post of mine that I’m finding very relevant at the current moment. I’m very happy not to be in this place anymore, but it’s also a humbling reminder to really reflect when feelings of depression happen to resurface. I’ll elaborate more in another post, but for now, feel free to take a look into my past. 🙂

Verbal Portrait of 9/26/2015

I hide behind a smile.

So, hi everyone.

Depression is a motherfucker, and most of the times I try to put forth my best effort to combat the feeling.

One week of happiness can be brought down in an instant. Thoughts, words, texts, emails, videos, photos, and more can trigger the depression in the blink of an eye. And in the moment, it feels like there’s no going back.

I’ve hidden behind a smile my entire life. I’m sure many of us have. But, I’ve done a great deal of work on myself to unveil the masks that have once trapped me.

My gift for authentic expression means vulnerability, which can be quite bittersweet. At this point in my life, my authenticity means not being able to see my parents anymore. It means that for the very first time in my life, I may be spending the holidays alone.

Maybe I just need some time to adjust to the new circumstances of my life. Maybe the depression will eventually subside.

I just wish things were easier, you know?


The Unexpected Sleepover

Hey everyone! So, I had a stranger spend the night recently. It was unexpected, but I actually did end up enjoying myself.

Let me just give some background info on how the night ensued. So, I was supposed to go out with my closest friend, but she ended up cancelling last minute while I was out running a quick errand with another close friend of mine. As we were on our way to run our mutual errand, a pretty cute and seemingly respectful guy ended up asking for my number (more on him in another post). This made me feel confident – I was on cloud 9 and overcome with joy. As my friend and I made our way back home, I was feeling a bit frisky and I decided to hit up this guy I met online the week before. I really just wanted to make out and feel on an erect penis (lol), but when the guy made his way to my neighborhood, the vibe felt a little different. He seemed pretty chill and goofy, and I felt somewhat comfortable around him.

Anyway, time flew and before we knew it, it was 6am.  The dude asked if he could sleep over because he was tired, but I was super hesitant – my room was in the middle of being cleaned so there was shit all over the place, I hadn’t shaved my legs, and I just generally wasn’t as “on point” as I normally would’ve been had I had time to prepare. I guess I just didn’t feel prepared to have a guest over. Whatever. But I ended up agreeing to it anyway, no matter how vulnerable I felt.

I quickly cleaned my room and made space for him on my bed. He layed down on my bed and I made my way next to him. He then wrapped his arm around me and he ended up falling asleep pretty quickly. It was all just so cute. I, however, couldn’t get over the fact of what I’d just done – like, Elle, what the fuck are you doing? There’s a fucking stranger in your bed! I even hid my purse and some other valuables just in case this dude ended up being a fucking klepto. I was paranoid as fuck.

Anyway, he ended up leaving later om that afternoon. I walked him to the elevator of my building and we made out until it arrived. He kissed me goodbye and said he would text me when he got home. And I went back to my apartment to lay down on my bed and reflect  on what just happened lol.

Maybe I’ll see him again soon? 😉




Visual dreams

What do dreams mean to you? I keep having very visual dreams about my life and I’m really not sure what to think of them.

Below is an example of a dream I had recently. Would anyone be able to help me interpret this dream?

I had a very visual dream about him again.

I’m not completely sure how it all started, but I was chasing him down the streets of NYC to a restaurant that was hosting some sort of party that charged $1 admission fee to get in. I remember wanting to say that I wanted to see one of the employees but ended up paying the entrance fee anyway. Only thing was when I got in, it was as if I worked there. I was kind of lead into a dead end – either I could change and get ready for my shift, walk around where the employees and managers were waiting, or leave. That was it. No entrance to the actual restaurant from that area. Funny thing is that 3 of my roommates also worked there but were leaving. It seems as though I decided to stay.

Anyway, during the dream, I would see pictures of him via some social media platform. One was of him just sitting in a park with a baby carriage/shopping cart looking thingy with a small grey puppy in it. I remember my heart dropped when I saw it because I thought he had a baby.

There was this recurring theme of me “trying to figure him out” and also needing closure. I’m not sure how I knew this (I think either there were flashbacks of him saying this or something), but he kept saying or I was picturing him saying something about not feeling safe with his dad. I remember wanting to confront him with this newly found info and wanted him to know that I support him no matter what.

I never did make it to him in the dream, but I woke up with a strong urge to reach out to him and say something along the lines of “he doesn’t need to pretend with me”, to cut the bullshit and be honest for once. Let down your fucking wall.

And that’s that

Is there a deeper meaning to this dream that I’m missing?