Reflecting

Hello my loves,

First off, I know some people give a shit about what I write, so I’m sorry for not posting in such a long time. Life happens.

So, I caved in yesterday and let social media lead me to the man I once had very strong feelings for. He was the married man I referenced in a previous post.

Isn’t it ironic how the ones that cause the most damage seem to live the happiest of lives? Like, just looking at his social media account immediately made me feel inadequate. He was surrounded by those I assume he’s closest to, lots of social situations, lots of love, lots of grand moments. It’s like damn, how can you just go on like nothing happened? How can you live with yourself knowing all the pain you’ve caused me? How can you go on knowing what you’re doing to your wife and just seemingly not give a fuck? Even though logically I know this is just an image, captured brief moments of a much bigger picture, it doesn’t tell the whole story. Deep down I know that to be true.

Also, it seems crazy to me that I could be looking him up on social media and his wife doesn’t even know I exist. Like, that shit seems so crazy to me. Your husband is living a life you know absolutely nothing about. That shit scares me to the core.

I can’t help compare myself to her sometimes though. I compare my body to hers. I compare the fact that she is legally bound to him and gets to spend her life with him. I often wonder if she could physically please him the way I did.

But, I take solace in the fact that I’ve seen one side of him he refuses to show to society, one mask he can’t unveil. My authenticity automatically means that these masks can come down. A part of me feels sorry for him because I know his outlet for his desires have to be hidden. I can’t relate, but I can sympathize to a certain extent.

It’s also like, damn I’m lonely. These happy moments just don’t happen to me. The moments of intimacy that I experience are only for a moment. No one really wants to stick around, you know? Then I go on a downward spiral of negative thinking that reinforces bad habits that I have. And then I blame myself. What is wrong with me?

But, I also feel a strange motivation when I look at these pictures. It makes me want to be my best self, so whenever I see him, I can pretend not to know him. Treat him like the non-factor he should be. I want my presence to scare the living shit out of him, because he knows I can reveal stuff about him he doesn’t want other people knowing.

And here I am, two years later and still thinking about him. Granted, it has gotten easier with time, but still, that shit hurts. As much as I can put on a brave face and be resilient, I just wish things were different. I guess this is when I have to forgive him, because I can’t keep holding on to these negative feelings. I have to let them go.

I want to start a dialogue. All comments are of course welcome, but I am specifically interested in hearing the perspectives of cisgender heterosexual men who are attracted to transgender women, married men who are currently cheating on their wives, and anyone who feels like they can’t lead honest lives for whatever reason. Your insight is truly appreciated.

<333

-Elle

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Looking back (and forward)

Hey y’all. I stumbled upon this very old post of mine that I’m finding very relevant at the current moment. I’m very happy not to be in this place anymore, but it’s also a humbling reminder to really reflect when feelings of depression happen to resurface. I’ll elaborate more in another post, but for now, feel free to take a look into my past. 🙂

Verbal Portrait of 9/26/2015

I hide behind a smile.



So, hi everyone.

Depression is a motherfucker, and most of the times I try to put forth my best effort to combat the feeling.

One week of happiness can be brought down in an instant. Thoughts, words, texts, emails, videos, photos, and more can trigger the depression in the blink of an eye. And in the moment, it feels like there’s no going back.

I’ve hidden behind a smile my entire life. I’m sure many of us have. But, I’ve done a great deal of work on myself to unveil the masks that have once trapped me.

My gift for authentic expression means vulnerability, which can be quite bittersweet. At this point in my life, my authenticity means not being able to see my parents anymore. It means that for the very first time in my life, I may be spending the holidays alone.

Maybe I just need some time to adjust to the new circumstances of my life. Maybe the depression will eventually subside.

I just wish things were easier, you know?

Update

I’m not as strong as I may lead myself on to be.

Yes, I know this update is long overdue. A quick recap on what has been going on:

  • I had major surgery.
  • I (briefly) let him back into my life.
  • I moved out of my parents’ house.

So, yes, a lot has been going on. However, there’s no excuse for neglecting my feelings. I should continue to acknowledge them through writing. Right now, it’s my best outlet.

Moving on: I’d like to keep this blog regularly updated. Weekly posts, maybe? Perhaps. More importantly, though, I just need to continue expressing how I feel through writing.

🙂

The Text

He texted me on the first day of the New Year. Apologetic, he pleaded for my forgiveness. His words, as meaningless as they are, flustered me. 

Beep, one text makes its way to my cellular device:
“Hey, please don’t be upset.”
What ensues are excuses masked by meaningless words delivered as texts to my cellular device. 
How can his texts make me feel a combination of sadness, anger, and longing all at once?
Yes, I do miss him. Yes, I still do have feelings for him. But no, I will not accept you back into my life. You’re not deserving of me. 
Still moving on. Still done with you.