The Unexpected Sleepover

Hey everyone! So, I had a stranger spend the night recently. It was unexpected, but I actually did end up enjoying myself.

Let me just give some background info on how the night ensued. So, I was supposed to go out with my closest friend, but she ended up cancelling last minute while I was out running a quick errand with another close friend of mine. As we were on our way to run our mutual errand, a pretty cute and seemingly respectful guy ended up asking for my number (more on him in another post). This made me feel confident – I was on cloud 9 and overcome with joy. As my friend and I made our way back home, I was feeling a bit frisky and I decided to hit up this guy I met online the week before. I really just wanted to make out and feel on an erect penis (lol), but when the guy made his way to my neighborhood, the vibe felt a little different. He seemed pretty chill and goofy, and I felt somewhat comfortable around him.

Anyway, time flew and before we knew it, it was 6am.  The dude asked if he could sleep over because he was tired, but I was super hesitant – my room was in the middle of being cleaned so there was shit all over the place, I hadn’t shaved my legs, and I just generally wasn’t as “on point” as I normally would’ve been had I had time to prepare. I guess I just didn’t feel prepared to have a guest over. Whatever. But I ended up agreeing to it anyway, no matter how vulnerable I felt.

I quickly cleaned my room and made space for him on my bed. He layed down on my bed and I made my way next to him. He then wrapped his arm around me and he ended up falling asleep pretty quickly. It was all just so cute. I, however, couldn’t get over the fact of what I’d just done – like, Elle, what the fuck are you doing? There’s a fucking stranger in your bed! I even hid my purse and some other valuables just in case this dude ended up being a fucking klepto. I was paranoid as fuck.

Anyway, he ended up leaving later om that afternoon. I walked him to the elevator of my building and we made out until it arrived. He kissed me goodbye and said he would text me when he got home. And I went back to my apartment to lay down on my bed and reflect  on what just happened lol.

Maybe I’ll see him again soon? 😉

 

 

 

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Dating

There’s something you should know about me…

Can I just express that dating sucks? IT FUCKING SUCKS!

Well, now that that’s out of the way, let me explain to you my dilemma.

I find myself thinking a lot about dating and relationships. Ever since I started transitioning, I knew dating would have its obstacles but I didn’t expect it to suck so damn much.

There are times that I meet men randomly while I’m out and about in NYC. These men do not know about my past and treat me like the woman I’ve always known myself to be. They treat me like a human being and I LOVE that. Seriously. It makes me feel so validated as a human being that is capable of being loved. But alas, this euphoria is temporary and I never end up disclosing that I’m trans to these potential suitors out of fear. I usually cut these guys off after our first date.

Other times, I’ll do online dating and disclose me being trans right away. This usually ends up going one of three ways: 1) Sexual objectification, 2) Wanting to date in private, or on the “DL”, 3) Or they are simply no longer interested.

The few times that men seemed genuinely intersted in dating me upon finding out that I’m trans never ended up working out for various reasons. For instance, there was this one guy that I really liked and I thought the feeling was mutual, but he ended up being married and I didn’t know. He strung me along and made me believe he was genuinely interested in a relationship, but that was all a part of his manipulative plan to use me for his own selfish desires. He would lie straight to my face without hesitation and tell me what he thought I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted. Fucking narcissist. Anyway, another guy had kids, no job, and seemingly no desire to better his life. I deserve so much better than this.

I don’t want to settle for less, but in all honesty, I feel pretty lonely. Sure, I have friends and family that I’m close to, but this just isn’t the same as romance.

I long to be loved genuinely. I long to be wanted. I long to be courted with respect and dignity.  I long to love.

Fuck. All this bullshit that comes with being trans really does suck sometimes…