Looking back (and forward)

Hey y’all. I stumbled upon this very old post of mine that I’m finding very relevant at the current moment. I’m very happy not to be in this place anymore, but it’s also a humbling reminder to really reflect when feelings of depression happen to resurface. I’ll elaborate more in another post, but for now, feel free to take a look into my past. 🙂

Verbal Portrait of 9/26/2015

I hide behind a smile.

So, hi everyone.

Depression is a motherfucker, and most of the times I try to put forth my best effort to combat the feeling.

One week of happiness can be brought down in an instant. Thoughts, words, texts, emails, videos, photos, and more can trigger the depression in the blink of an eye. And in the moment, it feels like there’s no going back.

I’ve hidden behind a smile my entire life. I’m sure many of us have. But, I’ve done a great deal of work on myself to unveil the masks that have once trapped me.

My gift for authentic expression means vulnerability, which can be quite bittersweet. At this point in my life, my authenticity means not being able to see my parents anymore. It means that for the very first time in my life, I may be spending the holidays alone.

Maybe I just need some time to adjust to the new circumstances of my life. Maybe the depression will eventually subside.

I just wish things were easier, you know?


The Text

He texted me on the first day of the New Year. Apologetic, he pleaded for my forgiveness. His words, as meaningless as they are, flustered me. 

Beep, one text makes its way to my cellular device:
“Hey, please don’t be upset.”
What ensues are excuses masked by meaningless words delivered as texts to my cellular device. 
How can his texts make me feel a combination of sadness, anger, and longing all at once?
Yes, I do miss him. Yes, I still do have feelings for him. But no, I will not accept you back into my life. You’re not deserving of me. 
Still moving on. Still done with you.