Merry Christmas!
You’ve read that right…I am broken.
I’ll keep it brief, but let’s delve a little further.
I can’t help but think that getting better seems hopeless. I feel like I’ve always been somewhat depressed, but these past few months have made my depression much worse.
All I want to do is stay inside. I can’t help but think about the way I look and how others perceive me – I feel like I look like a monster, that people should avoid my presence so I stay inside. Recently, I looked in the mirror and just wanted to die, it felt that bad.
This all goes back to my childhood and how much I had to suppress myself in order to move forward with my life. My biological family is not my family and they made it clear from early on that I would never be accepted for who I am. In fact, my natural mannerisms (aka perceived femininity) were ridiculed and policed to the point where I had to suppress every fiber of my being. Imagine not being able to truly be yourself for many years of your life? And then just expect things to somehow get better?
The aftermath of all of this still haunts me today. I wish I had a different upbringing and different circumstances. There are people who are able to start exploring who they are in a healthy way without judgment – I was never going to be one of those kids. I should have never went through male puberty. Male puberty poisoned me.
I even asked my mom recently, knowing all of the pain I was going through when I was young, would you have ever considered letting me live my life authentically from a young age? She said absolutely not and used religion as her reasoning. My mom has no empathy. Where is the unconditional love?
And don’t get me started with dating – that’s still a shit show. How do I date when I have no confidence and no way of ever achieving it?
It all feels so impossible. I’m so broken. I absolutely hate my life.
ledoublesens 